Posts Tagged ‘sex’

A “Red Bull” High – Sex in Marriage

A recent article in the New York Times found that the average married couple has sex 58 times per year (about once a week).  Those under 30 do it a bit more (111 times per year) than older couples.  Interestingly, 15% of couples haven’t done the deed in the last 6 months to one year.  Researchers are trying to learn why sexual frequency decreases in marriages and why some marriages become “sex-less.”  

Discrepancies in desire (having different levels of interest and/or desire for sex) are common in couples – whether they are married, living together, dating, straight, or gay.  In a perfect world every couple would desire sex just as much as their partner but this is uncommon in real life.  Overall the research has found that men have greater sexual motivation, stronger and more insistent sexual feelings, and have more liberal attitudes about sex compared to women.  There are certainly exceptions to this, but for the most part it’s men who are more interested in sex.  Why is this?

Unfortunately there is no clear-cut answer for these differences.  While there is ample research to indicate that it might be sex hormones at fault,  it’s also important to look at social and cultural issues.  Women’s sexuality is enormously affected by social norms and values - while there are many mixed message, the overwhelming message to women is ”good girls don’t.”  At the college level, women with high levels of sexual desire and interest are often labelled ”sluts,” which helps push them back into acceptable behavior. 

But I’m getting off on a tangent here – let’s get back to the sexless marriages.  While the discrepancies in desire can lead to lower levels of sexual behavior, there are clearly other things going on.  Couples are stressed, overwhelmed, and maybe even a little bored of their partners.  The exciting sex that happened at the beginning of the relationship is often replaced with let’s-get-it-done-before-the-kids-wake-up kind of sex.  How do couples get it back?  A good friend of mine talks about a concept he calls the RED BULL HIGH.  In order to get the Red Bull High, a couple allows his or her partner to have sex outside the marriage (just once, or maybe just a couple of times, he’s still working on the exact number here).  He believes that allowing outside sexual partners can bring back passionate sex.  After talking at length with his wife (they have very good communication), she had sex with someone else and then brought the experience back into the marital bedroom.  They have found that this has led to more passionate and intense marital sex.  The question is:  what are the costs of the Red Bull High?  Are they worth it to bring back passionate sex? Would you let your partner have sex with someone else?  Would you want to have sex with someone other than your partner?  Why or why not?

Day of Silence – April 17, 2009

Carl Walker-HooverCarl Walker-Hoover would have turned 12 years old tomorrow.  Instead he hung himself last week after enduring endless taunting about being gay.  Many will observe a National Day of Silence on his 12th birthday to help bring attention to anti-LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) bullying and harassment at school (see my blog on April 13th for more information about Carl).

Sex & Alcohol: Do College Guys Want a Drunk Lay?

Did you hear the recent news that many college women drink excessively because they think it impresses the guys on campus? College women believed men found drunk women “sexy” and “appealing” (click here for more info on this recent study).

In fact, many women said that a man would be more sexually attracted to a woman who had 5 or more alcoholic drinks. Am I the only one who thinks someone is missing the real story here? College guys are attracted to drunk women so they can get laid – not because the women are drunk!! The men know that a woman who has had a few drinks is more relaxed and uninhibited.  Many women drink so they can use the alcohol as an “excuse” to be sexual, among other things.

Let’s face it, we live in a culture that imposes strict standards on a woman’s sexuality. Women are supposed to be “good girls” and limit the number of sexual partners they have so as not to appear “slutty.” Two standards of sexual behavior exist – one for men and another for women. Men are given much more sexual freedom and are expected to be highly sexual (this can cause problems for the guys but that’s a whole other blog). Men are expected to have higher sex drives than women and can bed multiple partners without repercussions. Women, on the other hand, are supposed to keep their sexual desires in check and limit the number of sexual partners. I believe this double standard contributes to high alcohol use in women. Alcohol removes inhibitions and enables women to firmly grasp their sexuality in an “I-don’t-give-a-damn-what-anyone-says” kind of way. They are free from the shackles of “love” and “romance” that society tells them should motivate their sexuality.

The bottom line is that women have an enormous capacity for sexual interest and pleasure. However, society has wrapped female sexual desire in love and promotes only committed relationships as the appropriate context for women’s sexuality. Romance novels, soap operas, and sitcoms all readily share this message. As a result, women learn to romanticize sexual desire and alcohol enables them to step outside of these societal restrictions.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I do not think alcohol is the answer here. I merely point it out to begin a discussion about female sexuality. Alcohol is a big problem on college campuses today and we all know it can reduce one’s ability to make good decisions. However, the fact that women think it’s sexy to guys concerns me. But I do think we need to explore how we can get women back in touch with themselves and confident about their sexuality before we can do anything about the alcohol use.

Talking About Sex is Fun

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This photo was taken on location in Paris, France, where we were filming a pilot television show.  I have so much fun talking about sex because it just never gets old.  People have so many questions and I love to have a good conversation about it.   I laugh alot and just have a great time.  Why can’t people open up and TALK about sex?

Is Abstinence Healthy?

I’ve decided to use this blog to answer some of the questions I get about sexuality. Here’s a good one – let me know what you think! What would make you stop having sex?  Stop masturbating?

I have this friend who has in recent months ended a relationship with his girlfirend, who he has lived with for the past two years. I assume that he enjoyed a normal and healthy sex life. Well, at least he had some sort of sex occasionally (I know he jacked off as often as he needed to). Since becoming single he has forgone any masturbatory urges and is “saving” himself for Ms. Right. How healthy is it to abstain from any sexual release for a prolonged period of time? What psychological and emotional impact can it have on a person? What is the holding capacity of the tank that is storing the enormous load some lucky lady is going to receive?

Abstinence can be a conscious choice (like your friend), it can be dictated by circumstance (such as unavailable partners), or it can be a religious vow.  Overall, I’ve found that abstinence has become more popular in the last few years.  In fact, several of my college students have told me that they have decided to forego sex and wait for the right person (women AND men).

Now to your questions - the semen “holding tank” actually has a release valve that takes care of large capacity loads.  Men are constantly producing sperm and when they ejaculate, the build-up of sperm and semen is released.  If the sperm is ready to be released but there is no orgasm, it often will be absorbed back into the body.  Sometimes if physical sexual tensions mount to a critical level, they may be discharged by orgasms during sleep (often called “wet dreams” in men).  Although we don’t talk as much about this happening in women – women are capable of sexual release during their sleep as well.  If this does not happen, the typical ejaculatory load will be larger after a prolonged period of abstinence.

Overall, there are no known health risks to abstinence.  In fact, there are several possible benefits.  Psychologically, abstinence may help clear our heads.  If we’re involved in an intimate relationship it can help give more depth to the relationship.  There is also less worry about pregnancy, birth control, STDs, and other related issues.  Abstinence can help you focus on what you really want and need in a sexual relationship.

So, the bottom line?  Masturbation is healthy, abstinence can’t hurt you, and our bodies take care of pent up sexual energy.  Spread the word!

Let’s TALK About Sex

This song goes way back to a radio show I hosted in the early 1990s called Let’s Talk About Sex on KCMO radio in Kansas City. It was an awesome show that honestly and openly explored issues related to sex. Unfortunately, Kansas City is on the buckle of the Bible Belt…..the show was pulled because a few people (ok, one person mainly) was uncomfortable with sex talk. However, the fact remains – Let’s Talk About Sex was one of the stations highest rated shows.   People want to know and that’s why I’m committed to never shutting up.  Let’s keep talking about sex.

An AD that SHOULD have been on the Superbowl!

NBC pulled the plug on a PETA pro-veggie commercial planned for the Super Bowl because it “depicts a level of sexuality exceeding our standards,” according to NBC Universal’s advertising standards executive, Victoria Morgan. The ad shows lingerie-clad stunners getting “intimate” with vegetables.

I guess sex with vegetables is worse then all the sex stuff NBC regularly broadcasts. Who knew?

But, it IS true. Vegetarians do have better sex.

Viva La Vulva!!!

I’m going to try something a little different today.  This weekend I was at a party and a friend pulled me aside to ask a personal question about sex.  This isn’t that unusual – in fact, it happens all the time.   As a sexologist, I’m used to getting lots of questions.  You might be interested in what people want to know.  If so, read on…..

I have an unusual problem.  My boyfriend says that my inner labia look like two pieces of raw steak slapping together.  He says my vagina and inner lips look so ugly and repulsive that no one will ever want to have sex with me if we ever broke up.  Consequently, I have a very hard time reaching orgasm becuase he makes me feel insecure about my body.  He has no problem with sex or orgasm.  In fact, he wants it every day.  I feel horrible about myself and I’m hardly ever in the mood.  To make matters even worse, my boyfriend didn’t just say these mean things to me….he told all his friends too.  I’m so confused.  Do I need to see a plastic surgeon?  

My first question here is WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WITH THIS GUY?  He sounds like a complete jerk.  He has succeeded in sucking every bit of self-confidence from you.  My guess is that he is afraid of losing you and to avoid this, he makes you feel that no other man would ever want you.  The fact that he shared something so personal about you with his friends makes him an even bigger loser.

Your concerns about your vulva really aren’t that unusual.  Many women feel uncomfortable with the size, shape, or appearance of their vulvas.  After all, we’ve been brainwashed into believing the vagina is ugly and dirty (one walk down the feminine hygeine aisle will convince you of this).  We’ve also all heard enough ”fish” jokes to convince us the vagina is smelly.  But your man is making your normal concerns into huge issues for you. 

The vaginal lips are supposed to hang down – they are built to protect the vaginal opening.  However, like fingerprints, no two vulvas look alike.  They are as individual as we are.  Some women have long labia, while others have shorter ones.  In some countries, women actually use botanical stretching methods to lengthen the lips because this is considered sexy.

While there are surgeons who offer cosmetic vaginal or labial surgery (called vaginoplasty or labiaplasty), you don’t need it.  What I think you do need, is a good dose of self-acceptance.  Grab a mirror and make friends with your vulva.  Spend some time getting to know it and accept it.  Once you can do this, I think you’ll find your problems with sexual desire and orgasm will improve. 

I also think you seriously need to think about why you are with your boyfriend.  Who needs a guy that sucks the confidence out of you? What you need is a partner that helps support you and makes you feel beautiful.  Run…..don’t walk….and start working on YOU.

PMS Alerts – A Necessity?

This morning a good friend of mine sent me a web link he thought I’d be interested in.  Check it out at www.pmsbuddy.com  Now this friend has a history of sending me stuff that will piss me off and this friendly email was no different.  I checked the site out and after my blood pressure came back down to normal – I realized there was some educational value to the site.  The site allows people to ask questions about menstruation and PMS, and although I found it to be quite biased, they were TRYING to educate people.  The part that pisses me off is that it is making a joke of something that I think is really serious.  What happens when a guy gets an “alert” that his girlfriend, wife, mother, sister, or daughter is getting ready for PMS?  He’ll probably dismiss her and attribute her behavior to PMS.  But you know what?  Not everything is due to PMS.  She might just be having a crappy day and you did something to piss her off.  So, instead of relying on her monthly calendar……sit down and have a conversation and listen to what she has to say.  That will go way farther than the simple “hmmm, it’s that time of month.”  

One thing my friend forgot to realize…….there comes a day when a woman stops getting her period.  Most of my friends are just about there.  I doubt the alert system works for menopausal women.  What happens then?

The Day Aunt Flo Comes To Visit

final_cover1I remember waiting for the day my first period would come.  I wondered where I would be when it came and I worried that I might be in school or even worse, at a swim meet. I worried that I’d be wearing white pants and I was scared that everyone would know! The truth is…… I worried about a lot of things when it came to my first period and I had tons of questions.

Girls today still worry. In fact, worrying about a first period is very normal. What concerns me is that a young girl’s experience with her first period is shaped by how well-informed she is about menstruation – making it really important to learn as much as she can. I am a strong advocate of parents talking to their kids about the changes that happen during puberty – to daughters as well as sons.

I saw a study the other day that said less than 19% of adolescents feel they have someone to talk to about personal issues such as these.  This troubles me.  Now I know that some kids get “health education”  starting in 5th grade, but in my opinion, the information they get in these classes is too little and much too late!  Kids need to know about puberty and sexuality way before 5th grade.  I talked to my kids about puberty, development, and sexuality issues as soon as they were old enough to listen.  I wanted them to hear it from me and I wanted them to always know they could come to me with questions.

Those of us with kids know that somewhere around middle school we begin to lose them. Friends become very important and are usually their main sources for information.  Before this time, however, they want and need to hear it from the people they trust the most- their parents.

I wrote THE DAY AUNT FLO COMES TO VISIT: AN HONEST CONVERSATION ABOUT GETTING YOUR PERIOD both for young girls and their parents.  I wanted a book that parents and daughters could read together.  The book is straightforward and honest and answers the most common questions that girls have about getting their periods – such as when will it come?, who should I tell?, what should I do?,  can I still swim?, and pads or tampons? The book is designed to help girls understand more about the biology of menstruation, along with the common emotional and psychological reactions. I explore why and how periods happen and what they feel like and share personal stories from girls who have already had their first period.  In these stories, readers learn what these girls thought about, worried about, and where they were when their first period came.  Some of these girls had positive experiences and some had negative experiences.   Some felt excited and some felt scared.  The common thread in all of their stories is a wish that they would have been more prepared and knew more about what to expect.  In fact, that is what inspired me to write this book.  My goal in writing this book and talking to girls about menstruation is to help them become more knowledgable and, in turn, more confident about becoming a woman.

When my daughter got her first period I threw a party complete with a red “period” cake, ice cream,  and presents.  I wanted her to know how excited we were.  I also wanted her to see that getting your first period isn’t something to be embarassed about – it’s something to celebrate!  Now we talk about periods and girl stuff all the time.  She knows that I’m here for her.  And if I don’t have the answers to her questions, she knows I’ll help her find them.  I’d much rather have her asking me then relying on her friends, who might not give her reliable information.

If you are interested in the book, go to www.bestdaymedia.com for ordering information.  If you have comments or questions, I’d love to hear them!

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