I’m going to try something a little different today.  This weekend I was at a party and a friend pulled me aside to ask a personal question about sex.  This isn’t that unusual – in fact, it happens all the time.   As a sexologist, I’m used to getting lots of questions.  You might be interested in what people want to know.  If so, read on…..

I have an unusual problem.  My boyfriend says that my inner labia look like two pieces of raw steak slapping together.  He says my vagina and inner lips look so ugly and repulsive that no one will ever want to have sex with me if we ever broke up.  Consequently, I have a very hard time reaching orgasm becuase he makes me feel insecure about my body.  He has no problem with sex or orgasm.  In fact, he wants it every day.  I feel horrible about myself and I’m hardly ever in the mood.  To make matters even worse, my boyfriend didn’t just say these mean things to me….he told all his friends too.  I’m so confused.  Do I need to see a plastic surgeon?  

My first question here is WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WITH THIS GUY?  He sounds like a complete jerk.  He has succeeded in sucking every bit of self-confidence from you.  My guess is that he is afraid of losing you and to avoid this, he makes you feel that no other man would ever want you.  The fact that he shared something so personal about you with his friends makes him an even bigger loser.

Your concerns about your vulva really aren’t that unusual.  Many women feel uncomfortable with the size, shape, or appearance of their vulvas.  After all, we’ve been brainwashed into believing the vagina is ugly and dirty (one walk down the feminine hygeine aisle will convince you of this).  We’ve also all heard enough ”fish” jokes to convince us the vagina is smelly.  But your man is making your normal concerns into huge issues for you. 

The vaginal lips are supposed to hang down – they are built to protect the vaginal opening.  However, like fingerprints, no two vulvas look alike.  They are as individual as we are.  Some women have long labia, while others have shorter ones.  In some countries, women actually use botanical stretching methods to lengthen the lips because this is considered sexy.

While there are surgeons who offer cosmetic vaginal or labial surgery (called vaginoplasty or labiaplasty), you don’t need it.  What I think you do need, is a good dose of self-acceptance.  Grab a mirror and make friends with your vulva.  Spend some time getting to know it and accept it.  Once you can do this, I think you’ll find your problems with sexual desire and orgasm will improve. 

I also think you seriously need to think about why you are with your boyfriend.  Who needs a guy that sucks the confidence out of you? What you need is a partner that helps support you and makes you feel beautiful.  Run…..don’t walk….and start working on YOU.