Q:  I just started being sexually active with my boyfriend.  We’ve only been together for a month and we’ve had intercourse.  Is this wrong?  It still really hurts and I’m wondering if that is normal.  Finally, I still wonder if I should wait to have sex and I’m afraid I’m being a tease by telling my boyfriend I want to wait now.  He always convinces me to do it when I tell him I want to wait.  I don’t know if I’m doing it because of him pressuring me or if I’m doing it because I really want to.

A:  Only you can decide what is best for yourself.  While some people begin sexual relationships earlier than others, it really all depends on what you are comfortable with.  Typically your thoughts about when to become sexual in a relationship revolve around your own personal attitudes and values – and include your religious views, family (there is research that says that teens whose parents talked to them about sex wait longer), and cultural issues (societal expectations).  Religious men and women tend to be more conservative in the expression of their sexuality and it’s not unusual for people who are very religious to feel guilty about certain sexual behaviors (including becoming sexual too early in a relationship).

I personally believe that couples should wait for three things before a relationship becomes sexual.  First, there should be trust and honesty in the relationship.  Secondly, you should have good communication and hopefully a conversation about past sexual activity and possible sexually transmitted diseases.  Thirdly, you should not be pressured in any way, shape, or form.  Wanting to be sexual should be your decision, not something that is forced on you.  All of these things are important in the building of intimate relationships.

Sex can be painful the first couple of times and a woman might bleed a bit.  However, once you are comfortable and relaxed it shouldn’t hurt.  The fact you are unsure about why you are doing it makes me think your body isn’t ready.  If you are tense, the muscles in your vagina will also be tense, making intercourse painful.  I would talk to your boyfriend and tell him what you are thinking.  Maybe it would be best to step back and really figure out if you are ready.  Just because you’ve already started having sex doesn’t mean you have to continue.  You can stop until you’re feeling more comfortable about the decision.  He really shouldn’t be pressuring you into anything.  If he does, he’s not respecting your thoughts and concerns.  My guess is that you’re doing it only to make him happy and you’re not really convinced you want to be doing it.

In the end, however, it all comes down to the fact that decisions about sex and intimacy are deeply personal.  You can only decide what is right for you!